Anxious Ambitions

There I was, sitting at my dining room table in tears, wondering what I was going to do. I was depressed and extremely overwhelmed with worry, fear, and regret. Let me take you on a journey in hopes that it will encourage you to always seek God about your goals and make sure that you are in alignment with Him.

I decided that I wanted to expand into a career that would allow me to utilize my degrees. I had no idea what that would be though. I know right, very vague! Truth be told, I was feeling very unfulfilled in my personal life and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do about it. I was acting on my emotions and felt this void in my life that seemed to be growing by the day. Then I began the “Crazy Faith” series by Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK. One of the phrases I remember from his sermon was “It’s only crazy until it happens”. I was inspired and was like, “OKAY *inserts clapping hands* that’s it God. I’m about to do it.” A few days later, I walked into work and gave my notice to my supervisors. It caught them off guard, and myself too to be honest, because I just jumped out there with no plan. I had, what I thought, a promising opportunity awaiting me, but I was not settled completely. The whole “not being settled” part would manifest in more ways than one over the next three weeks.

First, I put in my notice without having a for sure “yes”, which is so unlike me. (I usually have a plan for a plan and then another plan for that plan.) Next, the job I was counting on fell through; which meant I had to start my job search again QUICK!!! Then, I applied to over 20 jobs and had received several interviews but was turned down for most due to lack of experience (although I had the educational backing) or being over-qualified. At one orientation, I declined the offer because I just didn’t “fit”. *Side Note: The atmosphere of where you work matters just as much as the pay. * Lastly, as if things could not get any worse, I GOT SCAMMED!!! That’s right, SCAMMED!!! I applied for a “work from home” job that appeared to be legit. I scheduled my interview by phone and spoke with the “hiring manager”. I received the check in the mail some days later to purchase equipment. Although it appeared to be a great opportunity, my spirit was not settled. I also noticed the name on the package did not match the company I applied to. That was the Holy Spirit warning me. I took the check to my bank and spoke with one of the financial specialists about it. We were both making phone calls to investigate only to find out that the company listed on the package had discovered their FedEx account had been hacked. The financial specialist spoke with the bank listed on the check and they found flagged items on the account. I managed to find the attorney’s contact information for the company’s LLC and left several messages. When he returned my call and I explained the situation about this potentially being a fraudulent company, he advised me not to contact him again because he would not break attorney/client privilege.

My world as I knew it was crumbling all around me, but why??? Didn’t God want me to have the desires of my heart? I mean I was stepping out in “Crazy Faith”; a message I was sure was sent by Him. How could God not honor that? That’s when I tuned in to “Fugazi Faith” by Pastor Michael Todd and was convicted in every fiber of my soul. Fugazi means imitation, fake, unreal, and imposter. After watching the sermon, I sat in the middle of my living room floor guilty of being FUGAZI! I realized that I had created this façade that was about to cost me everything. To be clear, it had nothing to do with my current job; I enjoyed working there. It had everything to do with me ignoring what my real issues were. I had led myself to believe that I was stepping out in faith to pursue my goals from a pure place, but it was me trying to fill a void of unfulfillment. I was relying on my education and skills to get me the opportunities when I should’ve been relying on God. I was fooling myself like it was the move of God, but it was all me. I didn’t consult God about it; I just made a decision out of emotion and told God to bless it.

Isn’t that something we do? We make hasty decisions out of emotions without thinking it through and later regret the consequences. We don’t consult God and seek Him like we should because we are in such a hurry. We want God to respond to our “microwave prayers”; you know say a quick 30 second prayer and expect Him to act. Don’t get me wrong, God can act as quick as He chooses to because He is GOD. However, He is not on our time and God does not appreciate us using Him. God wants relationship with us so that He can show us His plans for our lives. It was that night that I repented to God and asked Him to make a way for me to keep my job or open another door. I remember going to my supervisor and admitting that I had moved out of timing. By the grace of God, I was able to keep my job. That experience was a humbling one for sure.

During those three weeks, I cried on the phone with my mom everyday as she prayed for my strength. Why am I sharing my testimony about “Anxious Ambitions”? Because I want you to know that whenever you are outside of the will of God, you are forfeiting His protection. On January 10, 2020, I received an email from the job listing site stating they had done an investigation and found the job listing to be fraudulent and were contacting all applicants. I’m thankful that I did not reveal any personal information to that “so-called” company. I’m grateful that even though I strayed off doing what I thought was right, the Holy Spirit was still present with me to warn and guide me.

I hope my testimony blesses you and reminds you to ALWAYS seek God about the plans for your life. Our emotions are fluid. One day they are up and the next they are down. I’ve learned that that’s when I need to seek God even more, so I don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) says, “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out; plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for”. God loves you and wants you to be blessed in everything you do! Keep trusting Him, great things are in store for you!

-Jasmine